What a Life!

 It has been about four years since I last had a blog post. I have missed having an outlet to just write. 

In August 2023, we lost another baby. That puts the grand total to 4 angels in Heaven. This time was different, though, and that is all I'll say about it. I have had a very hard time with this loss. I've lost three babies before this, so why is this one hitting me as hard as it is? The timing would have been horrendous anyway (same age gap as Torin and Degs). With all of Deggy's medical needs and unknowns, it would have been the absolute worst timing. Especially given that we were in the PICU in Iowa City back in January. This baby would have been born in April. Getting through that month and knowing that I should have had a newborn was so hard. We know we are not done having babies, but there are so many things that have to happen first before we start that journey again. Regardless, it is so hard to watch others being pregnant, having babies, and loving on their newborns when that opportunity was taken away from me yet again. 

Our family is constantly on the go. Our children are involved in lots of activities. I am also involved in my own activities. I recently got re-involved in theater. I am just starting my third show of the year. I absolutely love theater and I love acting. I am so fortunate that I have a husband and family who support my interests. The boys have both been involved in dance, soccer, and now baseball. Watching them grow has been so amazing. Deggy is not quite old enough to get into sports, but will join his brothers with dance in the fall. 

The two older boys will be switching schools this coming fall. Loki will be entering 1st grade and Torin will be starting preschool. How have my babies gotten this big?? It feels like just yesterday they were tiny babies. Even Deggy, who is 2, is growing way too much! 

In the past year or so, I have rediscovered my love of reading. I run two virtual book clubs and have a book reading goal for the year. This year, my goal is 55 books. So far, I have read 29 books. I foresee my goal having to be upped! I have also discovered the Libby app, which works with my library card. Through this app, I can borrow audio books from the library. This has been a great way for me to double how many books I read. I am able to listen to books in the car, while the boys listen to the radio. I have especially loved listening to the Bridgerton book series this way! 

Deggy's medical journey is far from over. We are getting closer to answers, but it is still an uphill battle. Just for some reference here are some of his medical stats:

• 5-6 double ear infections (that we know of)
• 4 times with bi-lateral pneumonia (not including the other respiratory infections he's had)
• 3 hospitalizations (one in the PICU)
• 2 specialists (Pulmonologist and ENT)
• Double digits for ER visits

We have no idea what it will look for him this summer. Is the air quality going to be bad again? What will the fall and winter look like when the sick germs start? Will we end up in the hospital again? And how many times? I hate the unknown. Right now, my life is full of unknowns. Like when we will finally be able to purchase a house. What will this next year look like for me? 

This life is a ride. Things are constantly changing for us. I am forever thankful for the family and friends that God has blessed me with. 

I Am 1 in 4 and I Am 1%

I told myself I wasn't going to make it public when I had my 2nd miscarriage. Instead, I went and got a tattoo in memory of my 2 angel babies. I at least had something to remember them with. When I had my 3rd, I told myself I'd never tell people unless they asked.

I realize now, more than ever, that people need to be aware and informed; especially with all these awful bans and bills being passed. In case you haven't seen the uproar the abortion bans are causing, these bills also mention that women who have miscarriages could be interrogated and investigated to determine if it was an accident or a "murder" as they like to call it. Here's the thing; 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, through no fault of the woman. Plus, if medical professionals don't even know why the majority of them happen, how the hell could a politician know what caused it?

One could say that since I've had 3 miscarriages, I didn't want any of those babies. I wanted those babies more than anything in the world. I prayed to God and begged him not to take my babies from me. All. Three. Times. I am scared to death to get pregnant again and lose another baby. My heart is so torn and broken that I don't think I could go through it again.

I have had 2 consecutive miscarriages. Now that I've had three total, they call it Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. I would have never dreamed those words would be said about me. I never dreamed I'd lose one baby, let alone three. I am part of the 1% of women who have had 2 miscarriages in a row. Because of it, my weight has fluctuated up and down. I've had maybe 2 periods since December. We weren't trying either time, but the babies were wanted regardless.

My point in writing this is that I am someone you know. I am here and I have experienced loss X3 that most people couldn't even imagine. Many women have quietly suffered with the same thing. When I get pregnant again, whenever that may be, celebrate with me. Pray for my family. Be a part of our journey. And know that you're not alone.

It's Not Okay

I've stated in a previous post that 2019 did not start out good for us. Here's a little glimpse into our year so far.

End of December/beginning of January, I found out that I was pregnant. This was completely by accident and came as a huge shock to us. Nevertheless, we were excited and ready to face a new challenge head on. Sadly, in the middle of January, we lost the baby. We didn't really tell anyone. This experience was completely different than the first time we lost a baby. I let myself cry in the bathroom for ten minutes and that was it. I couldn't mourn for this baby the way I did for the first, because I had my son to take care of and be there for. I shoved my feelings, my hurt, and my guilt away.

It is extremely hard to go out and live life normally when you're in the middle of losing a baby. No one knows the physical pain your body is going through and the emotional pain of your heart breaking. You have to put on a brave and smiling face so no one knows. I'm now the momma of two angel babies. I am extremely grateful for my son and my husband. They are my anchor and my rock. The hardest part about this loss is that I could picture my son with a sibling that he'll never know. It took quite a while for it to be complete. It was almost like my little baby was fighting to stay. Little baby didn't want to leave, but God had other plans.

I have gotten the question, "When are you going to have another baby" multiple times. It is never okay to ask someone this question. It's even harder when they ask it during the middle of a miscarriage. My husband and I have a plan for our family. We know when we would like to try for another baby and that is our business. I don't need to share my plan with anyone. It's also not okay for someone to insinuate that something might be wrong with me because I've lost 2 babies or say "At least you have a child."

I'm really tired of having to defend myself and my experience. 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Just because it didn't happen to your wife or your mom or whatever doesn't mean that there is something wrong with a woman who did experience a miscarriage. Most of the time, a miscarriage happens because there was something genetically wrong with the baby where they wouldn't survive birth and it's the body's way of helping the baby. Most of the time, the doctors have no idea why it happens.

While I'm heartbroken about losing the baby, all our attention is focused on finding a house for our family and focusing on our boys. Spirit and Lorcan are our greatest blessings. We have a plan for our lives and that is our business. We are enjoying this time with our growing boys and living life to the fullest. I have some goals I'd like to reach before we have another baby, but only God knows what is going to happen.

I don't need any sympathy or pity. I just want people to be informed and to be aware of the things they are saying to others. An innocent question or comment may actually be hurtful to someone.

TV Shows...Binge Away!

Lately, I have been able to watch multiple shows that are on tv currently. Usually I don't have time to watch television or keep up with a show, so I have to binge watch it on the Firestick. It's kind of exciting and exhilarating with the built up anticipation of the new episode! I have been watching Manifest, This is Us, A Million Little Things, Good Trouble, and The Masked Singer.

I finished the season finale of Manifest last night with my husband. We were both in shock with the cliff hangers they left us with! Me being me, I did some research online about season 2. It has not been picked up for a second season yet, but I read an interview with the creator and he said he would consider taking the show to another network if NBC doesn't renew them for another year. This show is amazing. It is inventive, exciting, and it brings a new plot twist with every episode. It is a show that causes you to think and keeps you on your toes! If you have not seen this show yet, the season just ended, so binge away!

This is Us is a favorite of many people! I am a few episodes behind, but this season has brought out more of Jack's story, Kate's pregnancy, and more into Jack's brother! It has been so heartwarming to see Kate's journey of pregnancy take a happy turn! I am beyond excited to see when she has her baby, and I hope everything turns out for her and Toby! I was completely shocked at the discovery that Jack's brother is actually alive! Kevin has been so determined to find out the truth about his dad and his time in Vietnam. He has stopped at nothing to find out the truth. I was a little disappointed in Kate and Randall. They didn't seem to care much that their dad's brother is actually alive. They left Kevin alone to try and help him. This is definitely a show that you should start watching if you haven't already seen it! It brings a lot of emotion, tears, and gets you so hooked on the characters. It is a show that can't be compared to any others!

A Million Little Things is a show that is currently airing. I have only watched a few episodes, but I am hooked! It revolves around a group of guys and the suicide of one of their friends. Their friend's death forces them to look at their own lives and to reevaluate their current friendships with each other. I am hooked into this show. Like Manifest, there is an air of mystery about it. There are plot twists and surprises with each episode. Definitely check this one out!

Good Trouble is a spinoff of a show called The Fosters. It does deal with some sexual topics that may not appeal to everyone. I love this show, because I loved the original. I like that it took the two main characters and has them exploring the world and "adulting." It took the show from a young adult show to an almost rated R show (based on the sexual aspects). If you do not like shows that deal a lot with sex, definitely don't watch this one!

The Masked Singer is one of my favorite shows! My husband and I had heard mixed reviews from friends and family. Some of the them raved about the show and some of them thought it was stupid. I decided to watch it for myself and come up with my own opinion. I think this show is so creative and so so good! There are celebrities who are dressed up as characters. Each week they sing part of a song and go against another character. The audience and the judges decide who to keep and who to unmask. The characters reveal clues about who the celebrity is with each performance. There are three characters that I am completely dumbfounded by; peacock, rabbit, and the lion. Give this show a shot! It may surprise you! I haven't known all of the celebrities, but the suspense and the anticipation of who is under the mask is so much fun!

This was a glimpse into what I am currently watching for tv shows! If you have a recommendation for a show I should watch, please comment below!

2018 Was Great- 2019? Not So Much

We're about a month into the new year. So far, we've been hit with a lot of extreme winter weather. As a substitute teacher, this hurts me a lot. I love a snow day as much as anyone else, but it really starts to get irritating when you're livelihood depends on school being in session. Is anyone else getting cabin fever? Being in a small house makes being cooped up extremely frustrating. I am a snow baby but these negative temperatures are just not working with me!

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. Usually, I love my birthday! I plan something super fun to do and I'm all about the celebration. This year I'm just not feeling it! I am not excited for my birthday at all (even though it means car insurance gets lowered and I can finally rent a car). Maybe it's the fact that I'm a quarter of a century now or that finances are tighter with all the days of no work.

I am hoping this weather decides to even out so I can enjoy my winter! I would like to be able to take my son out to play in the snow! My husky, on the other hand, would be out all day everyday if I let him. This is his version of chilling at the beach!

I am also hoping that this is the year we buy a house finally! In fact, I hope we can achieve this goal before June! Speaking of June, has anyone else gotten hit with 4 weddings in 2 months?? My brain is going crazy with all the planning! I can see the money flying out of my hands with all the expenses coming up! This momma might have to find herself another job or two!

Life has gotten super crazy and busy. Maybe all the craziness and planning is the reason for my migraines? All I know is that I am ready for things to level out here soon! Buying my own  house would definitely alleviate a lot of my stress! I am hoping this roller coaster emotional ride of house buying will finally come to an end, with a house as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!


After all this rambling, hopefully you're still with me! Happy new year to everyone! Hopefully your year has started off better than mine has!

Why We Don't Speak Up

Warning: This is about a highly sensitive topic.

I have been watching the news and following the Brett Kavanaugh situation very closely. I have thought about my own experiences as well. Seeing that he has been sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice infuriates me. It doesn't matter how long ago the alleged attack happened. He may have assaulted more women since that time and they may have not come forward. If there is a claim against someone, especially someone being considered for such a high position, that claim should be looked into and investigated. I do not feel like the case was taken seriously. Kavanaugh should have never been sworn in to a position with that much power.

I have never been sexually assaulted. I have been touched and groped inappropriately by boys and men. I have been catcalled and had inappropriate remarks made to me before I was even 16. I have been taken advantage of. I know how much these small acts have affected my life. I cannot begin to fathom how sexual assault has affected the victims. I am absolutely flabbergasted by the way this country has reacted to the #MeToo movement and the allegations that have been coming out about sexual assaults. There are a lot of men and boys that are good people. And then there are the ones who perpetrate this behavior and laugh in the face of victims. 

The people who have come out with their stories and shared their experiences are the bravest people in this country. The victims who have experienced any sort of assault are the bravest people in this country. The perpetrators and those who have committed these heinous acts are the biggest cowards. I can only hope that the men and women in this country can come together and count on each other. I can only hope and pray that those who think it is okay to violate another person will be punished to the full extent of the law. 

My heart is broken for this country. My heart is broken for those who have faced attacks and for those who felt they could not go on living because of these attacks. I stand with everyone who is a part of the #MeToo movement. I stand with all the women, men, girls, and boys who have been a victim of these awful attacks. 

This is why victims don't come forward. This is why attacks go unreported. Our own government and those in power can't even put their pride aside and stand for the victims. How can we trust our own country to stand up for us? This is why voting is so important. We have one month until we can make a shift in power. One month until we can vote in people who will stand for us. 

Controversial Parenting Topics

I will start this off by saying, I love to have debates. It fosters communication, learning, and growth. With that said, I don't agree with people attacking other people because of their choices and decisions. Having a civilized conversation is definitely the way to approach controversial topics. In parenting, there are many decisions to be made about how to raise baby. There is no right way to raise a child. Parents choose what is best for them, their baby, and their family.

#1 How to Give Birth

My take on this topic is that every woman will give birth how she feels is best. A woman has to choose the right way for her.

#2 Months vs Years

This one drives me nuts!! You won't hear me going around saying, "Oh my son is 27 months old!" Now that he is a year old, he will be referred to as being 1 year old.

#3 No Winning in Competition

My opinion is that we are doing our children no favors by saying every child is a winner. There is definitely nothing wrong with some healthy and fair competition. By giving everyone a winner's trophy, we are teaching our children that it doesn't matter if they fail or if they don't work hard, they will always be rewarded. That is wrong and not how real life works.

#4 Co-sleeping/bed sharing

Since the first week of his life, my husband and I have co-slept with our son. Some nights, having him in the bed with us was the only way that he would sleep! It is still that way with him sometimes. Many cultures have co-slept with their babies for centuries! I don't understand where all this, "co-sleeping increases SIDS" comes from. SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. There is no known cause for it. I have never worried or feared for my son's safety while he was sleeping with us. He also has slept in our room since birth (partly because we only have 1 bedroom) and I feel safer that way.

#5 Child Leashes

I fully intend to use a leash with my son. I see nothing wrong with this. We all know how much trouble a child can get into within seconds. With all the abductions and horrible things happening in this country, I won't take a chance that my son could be taken from me.

#6 Feeding

Again, all I will say here is that it is up to the mom's discretion. No mom should ever be attacked or ashamed for how she chooses to feed her baby.

#7 Medication for Illnesses

We have been giving our son Tylenol to help him sleep while teething, and it has been a lifesaver! To each their own, but I would rather help my son out when he is in pain.

#8 Spanking and Discipline

I will use spanking for severe punishments and time outs with my children. Yes, I will explain to them why they are in trouble and what they did, but with every action comes consequence. Children are not learning these lessons, and as a result, they are doing whatever they please without any thought of the consequences that can follow.

#9 Electronics

CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HAVE THEIR OWN iPADS, TVS, AND COMPUTERS!! Yes, my son will watch his Wiggles and Puppy Dog Pals but he does not sit in front of a tv all day. Yes, we let him have our phones sometimes, but his biggest draw to it is he likes to press the button and make the baby's face appear. My children will not have their own electronics. I don't even plan to get them phones until they can pay for them on their own. This may be an unpopular decision, but having the internet and social media at their fingers at all times is seriously detrimental to their development and social relationships.

#10 Pacifiers

My son could not take or use a pacifier for the first 4 months of his life. He had no help in soothing. When he finally could take pacifiers, it was a lifesaver! Luckily, he is the type of baby that can do without one, but finds comfort in it when offered. I think pacifiers are a great tool for babies (provided they are weaned from them when they start getting all their teeth and talking). Honestly, it will be harder to wean my son off his bottle.