Body Image

I never used to be obsessed with how I looked or how people saw me. I was able to put on the clothes that I wanted and didn't give it a second thought. I could go and play with my friends and not worry if my stomach looked fat or if I had on the right makeup. The first time I can remember where I worried about how I looked was in the fifth grade. I was one of the tallest girls in my class, which was not a good thing at that age. I was even taller than a lot of the boys. I can remember worrying about clothes. I would wear mascara and powder on my face. I wore a choker because that was cool. Beyond fifth grade, my thoughts about myself were no longer positive.

I was never happy with how I looked. I hated the way clothes looked on me. I was obsessed with trying to make myself looked smaller than I was. I was jealous of the pretty girls in class. Their hair was always perfect, their makeup flawless, and they could make uniforms look like they belonged on a runway. I could never compare to them. I was a shadow on the wall that the boys looked over. I was a nerd who always had my nose in a book.

Getting in to high school was even worse. I attended a Catholic high school, the only one in my city. A big majority of the population was kids who parents were extremely wealthy. The kids were stuck up jerks and snobs. They looked down on the kids who didn't have Uggs or Sperry's or whatever the name brand trend was that year. I never had the "in" shoes or the newest cell phone. I had a phone that slid up to a keyboard, I wore knock off shoes, and my parents weren't anywhere close to wealthy. While I would never trade my family or my life for anything, at the time I was extremely jealous. I was a nobody in my high school. I was shy, quiet, and overlooked. Theater and music were my things. Even in those, I was still the outcast. No matter where I went or what club I joined, there were cliques. If that wasn't enough, add the perfect hair, the perfect bodies, and their parents' money and a nobody would start to really doubt themselves.

I wasn't fat in high school, but I definitely wasn't skinny. My hair wasn't flawless and I had a skirt that didn't fit right. I would constantly pull at my shirt so my stomach wouldn't look fat. Winter was the best season for me, because I could wear sweatshirts to hide myself. Spring and Fall were the worst. I had no sweatshirt to wear over and would constantly obsess over how I looked. I never went a day without makeup. I hated going to the pep rallies, because then I would see the cheerleaders and the dancers who had the kind of bodies that I could only dream that I had. I got made fun of by the boys in my class because I was quiet, wasn't the ditsy airhead that most of the other girls were, and because I was always reading a book.

When I finally went to college, I was able to reinvent myself in a way. I went to a school in Minnesota where no one knew me. Over time, I started to find my place. I wasn't the social outcast anymore. I was still an outsider, but I had a lot of friends. I gave myself a tough girl exterior and made my appearance send a message of "don't mess with me." This was how I protected myself and all of my insecurities.

I have never felt good about my body. I always have the notion of wanting to change my appearance. I now have a husband who constantly tells me that I'm beautiful and gorgeous. He will make me feel amazing and I don't doubt myself when I'm with him. It's when he's not with me that my critical brain takes over. Getting dressed is a long ordeal. I go through at least 4 outfits before finding one that is suitable.

I work with second graders. I haven't noticed a lot of body image issues with the class that I help in, but I can't help but see them in the future with thoughts of how they're not good enough and it breaks my heart. All I want is to help other girls see how beautiful they really are. I want them to see that they're good enough. One day they will see the models in the magazines or see girls in their class with their perfect bodies. I want other girls to know that it's okay if they don't look the same as everyone else. I want all girls and women to know that it's okay to be who they are.

Someday I hope that I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I hope that someday I can stop dreaming of having the body that the models have. Someday, I hope that I can put on any piece of clothing that I want and not doubt that it looks okay. One day, I will achieve those aspirations, but until then, I can only love myself as I am now.