To preface, this post isn't for attention. It is to make light to the very real fact that this is something that a lot of mothers experience.
PPD, or post-partum depression, is something that mothers can experience after having a baby. It can be expressed in a variety of forms and levels. Not every mother has the same experience. There is a big range on what a mother can feel or not feel.
I, for the most part, loved being pregnant. I had dreamed my whole life of the day when I would get to carry my own child. I had a whole picture of what life with my baby would be like. I had my whole labor and delivery planned out in my head. Up until the end, my pregnancy went the way I had planned.
The last two weeks of my pregnancy was when things took a turn. I was sent to Labor and Delivery 3 times for high blood pressure. The last time I was sent (Tuesday), right after a weekly appointment, I spent 4 hours there. I was finally told that I had preeclampsia and they wanted to admit me right then and there to be induced. I was furious. I still had a week and a half until I was full term. I convinced them to let me come back later that night.
I went home to get things prepared and to take care of Spirit. I had my mother come back with me. I was set on not being induced and I wanted my mother there to be my support. I was admitted and sent to a delivery room. The nurse was getting things prepped to start the induction. I told her that I didn't want to be induced and I wanted to go home. They had another nurse come in and convinced me to stay and be monitored overnight. I agreed and it was the most miserable night. I was hooked up to the machines all night and Lorcan kept moving, so every hour the nurse came in to fix the baby monitor. I didn't sleep a wink that night.
The next morning (Wednesday), they had the doctor come in to talk to me. My blood pressure numbers hadn't gotten any lower, but they were around the same numbers that they'd been my whole pregnancy. They were worried something would happen to me or the baby, which I understand, but my levels weren't super high. Eventually, I agreed to be induced. I felt pressured into the decision. I hated the whole thing.
I had two days with no sleep. Thursday was the day I had Lorcan. I had spent 2 days in a labor bed, with minimal time to get up and walk around. I hated everything about my labor and delivery. Nothing happened the way I wanted it to. Lorcan had a tongue tie and they wouldn't do anything about it until he was 2 months, so I didn't even get to feed my baby the way I wanted, although I tried.
I felt no connection with Lorcan when I was pregnant. I didnt feel the bond everyone talks about or any sort of connection with him until about a month ago. To go 2 months without feeling anything towards your own baby is something I can't even begin to describe. The first time I felt an overwhelming need to have my baby with me was in the middle of church. It hit me like a truck.
PPD is not something to joke about. It causes your brain to think things that make me ashamed. It made me think and want to throw my baby one night. Now, I would never harm my baby. I would never do anything to hurt him, but that is an example of the thoughts that run through your head when your hormones are in control. There are times I don't want to be around my baby or hold him. There are times when all I want is to have him alone with me.
My husband makes jokes about the situation, but it isn't anything to laugh about. I have been struggling with a lot of guilt; over the times I don't want to hold him, over the way he was brought into the world, over the fact that I can't feed him the way I so desperately want to. I struggle with the fact that I have been spending a lot of time away from him. I hate that he gets run around all week.
If I wasn't as strong as I am and if I didn't have the support system that I do, this would consume me. I don't want pity from people. I don't want people to assume that I don't want to hold my baby. I love him more than I have ever loved anything, but I want people to be aware that this is a very real thing that mothers experience. It is extremely difficult to handle, so difficult that some women need medication to help them through it. I handle it and get through it with the help of my husband and my family. It's gotten easier to understand when I'm having what I call a bad day. I can tell when I need to have a break from Lorcan and when I need to spend time alone with him.
Having my first baby has not been what I imagined it would be like. It's gotten easier, but everyday is a struggle. I write this hoping to inform and teach people. I love my son with my whole heart. I love that he's here and I get to call him mine. This journey has not started the way I planned, but Lorcan, Scott, and I are making it unique and our own. We're riding this train called life and discovering our story along the way.
