I Am 1 in 4 and I Am 1%

I told myself I wasn't going to make it public when I had my 2nd miscarriage. Instead, I went and got a tattoo in memory of my 2 angel babies. I at least had something to remember them with. When I had my 3rd, I told myself I'd never tell people unless they asked.

I realize now, more than ever, that people need to be aware and informed; especially with all these awful bans and bills being passed. In case you haven't seen the uproar the abortion bans are causing, these bills also mention that women who have miscarriages could be interrogated and investigated to determine if it was an accident or a "murder" as they like to call it. Here's the thing; 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, through no fault of the woman. Plus, if medical professionals don't even know why the majority of them happen, how the hell could a politician know what caused it?

One could say that since I've had 3 miscarriages, I didn't want any of those babies. I wanted those babies more than anything in the world. I prayed to God and begged him not to take my babies from me. All. Three. Times. I am scared to death to get pregnant again and lose another baby. My heart is so torn and broken that I don't think I could go through it again.

I have had 2 consecutive miscarriages. Now that I've had three total, they call it Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. I would have never dreamed those words would be said about me. I never dreamed I'd lose one baby, let alone three. I am part of the 1% of women who have had 2 miscarriages in a row. Because of it, my weight has fluctuated up and down. I've had maybe 2 periods since December. We weren't trying either time, but the babies were wanted regardless.

My point in writing this is that I am someone you know. I am here and I have experienced loss X3 that most people couldn't even imagine. Many women have quietly suffered with the same thing. When I get pregnant again, whenever that may be, celebrate with me. Pray for my family. Be a part of our journey. And know that you're not alone.

It's Not Okay

I've stated in a previous post that 2019 did not start out good for us. Here's a little glimpse into our year so far.

End of December/beginning of January, I found out that I was pregnant. This was completely by accident and came as a huge shock to us. Nevertheless, we were excited and ready to face a new challenge head on. Sadly, in the middle of January, we lost the baby. We didn't really tell anyone. This experience was completely different than the first time we lost a baby. I let myself cry in the bathroom for ten minutes and that was it. I couldn't mourn for this baby the way I did for the first, because I had my son to take care of and be there for. I shoved my feelings, my hurt, and my guilt away.

It is extremely hard to go out and live life normally when you're in the middle of losing a baby. No one knows the physical pain your body is going through and the emotional pain of your heart breaking. You have to put on a brave and smiling face so no one knows. I'm now the momma of two angel babies. I am extremely grateful for my son and my husband. They are my anchor and my rock. The hardest part about this loss is that I could picture my son with a sibling that he'll never know. It took quite a while for it to be complete. It was almost like my little baby was fighting to stay. Little baby didn't want to leave, but God had other plans.

I have gotten the question, "When are you going to have another baby" multiple times. It is never okay to ask someone this question. It's even harder when they ask it during the middle of a miscarriage. My husband and I have a plan for our family. We know when we would like to try for another baby and that is our business. I don't need to share my plan with anyone. It's also not okay for someone to insinuate that something might be wrong with me because I've lost 2 babies or say "At least you have a child."

I'm really tired of having to defend myself and my experience. 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Just because it didn't happen to your wife or your mom or whatever doesn't mean that there is something wrong with a woman who did experience a miscarriage. Most of the time, a miscarriage happens because there was something genetically wrong with the baby where they wouldn't survive birth and it's the body's way of helping the baby. Most of the time, the doctors have no idea why it happens.

While I'm heartbroken about losing the baby, all our attention is focused on finding a house for our family and focusing on our boys. Spirit and Lorcan are our greatest blessings. We have a plan for our lives and that is our business. We are enjoying this time with our growing boys and living life to the fullest. I have some goals I'd like to reach before we have another baby, but only God knows what is going to happen.

I don't need any sympathy or pity. I just want people to be informed and to be aware of the things they are saying to others. An innocent question or comment may actually be hurtful to someone.

TV Shows...Binge Away!

Lately, I have been able to watch multiple shows that are on tv currently. Usually I don't have time to watch television or keep up with a show, so I have to binge watch it on the Firestick. It's kind of exciting and exhilarating with the built up anticipation of the new episode! I have been watching Manifest, This is Us, A Million Little Things, Good Trouble, and The Masked Singer.

I finished the season finale of Manifest last night with my husband. We were both in shock with the cliff hangers they left us with! Me being me, I did some research online about season 2. It has not been picked up for a second season yet, but I read an interview with the creator and he said he would consider taking the show to another network if NBC doesn't renew them for another year. This show is amazing. It is inventive, exciting, and it brings a new plot twist with every episode. It is a show that causes you to think and keeps you on your toes! If you have not seen this show yet, the season just ended, so binge away!

This is Us is a favorite of many people! I am a few episodes behind, but this season has brought out more of Jack's story, Kate's pregnancy, and more into Jack's brother! It has been so heartwarming to see Kate's journey of pregnancy take a happy turn! I am beyond excited to see when she has her baby, and I hope everything turns out for her and Toby! I was completely shocked at the discovery that Jack's brother is actually alive! Kevin has been so determined to find out the truth about his dad and his time in Vietnam. He has stopped at nothing to find out the truth. I was a little disappointed in Kate and Randall. They didn't seem to care much that their dad's brother is actually alive. They left Kevin alone to try and help him. This is definitely a show that you should start watching if you haven't already seen it! It brings a lot of emotion, tears, and gets you so hooked on the characters. It is a show that can't be compared to any others!

A Million Little Things is a show that is currently airing. I have only watched a few episodes, but I am hooked! It revolves around a group of guys and the suicide of one of their friends. Their friend's death forces them to look at their own lives and to reevaluate their current friendships with each other. I am hooked into this show. Like Manifest, there is an air of mystery about it. There are plot twists and surprises with each episode. Definitely check this one out!

Good Trouble is a spinoff of a show called The Fosters. It does deal with some sexual topics that may not appeal to everyone. I love this show, because I loved the original. I like that it took the two main characters and has them exploring the world and "adulting." It took the show from a young adult show to an almost rated R show (based on the sexual aspects). If you do not like shows that deal a lot with sex, definitely don't watch this one!

The Masked Singer is one of my favorite shows! My husband and I had heard mixed reviews from friends and family. Some of the them raved about the show and some of them thought it was stupid. I decided to watch it for myself and come up with my own opinion. I think this show is so creative and so so good! There are celebrities who are dressed up as characters. Each week they sing part of a song and go against another character. The audience and the judges decide who to keep and who to unmask. The characters reveal clues about who the celebrity is with each performance. There are three characters that I am completely dumbfounded by; peacock, rabbit, and the lion. Give this show a shot! It may surprise you! I haven't known all of the celebrities, but the suspense and the anticipation of who is under the mask is so much fun!

This was a glimpse into what I am currently watching for tv shows! If you have a recommendation for a show I should watch, please comment below!

2018 Was Great- 2019? Not So Much

We're about a month into the new year. So far, we've been hit with a lot of extreme winter weather. As a substitute teacher, this hurts me a lot. I love a snow day as much as anyone else, but it really starts to get irritating when you're livelihood depends on school being in session. Is anyone else getting cabin fever? Being in a small house makes being cooped up extremely frustrating. I am a snow baby but these negative temperatures are just not working with me!

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. Usually, I love my birthday! I plan something super fun to do and I'm all about the celebration. This year I'm just not feeling it! I am not excited for my birthday at all (even though it means car insurance gets lowered and I can finally rent a car). Maybe it's the fact that I'm a quarter of a century now or that finances are tighter with all the days of no work.

I am hoping this weather decides to even out so I can enjoy my winter! I would like to be able to take my son out to play in the snow! My husky, on the other hand, would be out all day everyday if I let him. This is his version of chilling at the beach!

I am also hoping that this is the year we buy a house finally! In fact, I hope we can achieve this goal before June! Speaking of June, has anyone else gotten hit with 4 weddings in 2 months?? My brain is going crazy with all the planning! I can see the money flying out of my hands with all the expenses coming up! This momma might have to find herself another job or two!

Life has gotten super crazy and busy. Maybe all the craziness and planning is the reason for my migraines? All I know is that I am ready for things to level out here soon! Buying my own  house would definitely alleviate a lot of my stress! I am hoping this roller coaster emotional ride of house buying will finally come to an end, with a house as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!


After all this rambling, hopefully you're still with me! Happy new year to everyone! Hopefully your year has started off better than mine has!